Where Did It All Go Wrong?
by ziva-davida-bala
Summary: Ziva David left everything behind, but what happens when her past comes back to haunt her just not in the way she would expect. Will she be forced to accept her mistakes for what they really are?
1. Chapter 1

**_Ok this is the first story i have ever written. I wanted to do something different then norm and thought i would try my hand at writing fics. Everything i put in here is intentional. If all goes well i would like to make this a multi-chapter fic. So please tell me what you think! :)_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or any of the characters used_**

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><p><strong>Where Did It all Go Wrong?: Prologue<strong>

Ziva was sharpening her pencil trying to get done the last of last weeks paper work. It felt like it was taking forever. These were her days now. There was something nice about predictability. Knowing the people she was gonna see in a few minutes. Knowing how the day was gonna start out, probably with some absurd thing Tony was gonna do that would inherently start the topic of conversation in the mixed of today's case. Even thought she was sitting in an office almost all day her life was never boring with him around. After everything that she had been through had she finally found some sense of normalcy? She new she loved her family, her job and her life now. She had finally found what she thought she would never have. She smiles inwardly to herself. "Something Permanent". But just as she thought that she stopped. She never overly express it though. Not to Gibbs, McGee, Ducky, Abby or even Tony. No, if she had done that something would go wrong that's the way it always worked out for her. She was a different person now, she would admit that to herself but she still had to have some semblance of a wall up. For everyone's sake. Her thoughts were interrupted when she hears the familiar sound of the elevator.

(DING) McGee steps out of the elevator and into the bull-pit.

"Good morning McGee"

"Morning Ziva when did you get in?"

"about a half hour ago"

she didn't know why but for someone who always was on top of her paperwork she just couldn't seem to concentrate. It was like something in the back of her mind was gnawing at her

"you ok?"

"Fine McGee why would you ask that?"

"I don't know its just...nevermind"

she didn't question him further "you did not see Tony on the way up did you?" why did she even care if he was running late

"No haven't see him maybe he had a late night?"

They both exchanged a look, McGee continues

"up nope he just sent me a text hes getting coffee.. no wait hes getting us coffee. Us?"

They both exchange another look, Ziva snorts

You know the only time Tony actually volunteers to get us coffee is when he already is running very late or...

(DING) the elevator opens and both Ziva and McGee look up as Tony runs into the bull-pit placing a box of goodies on his desk.

"Gather around children i come bearing gifts! There you go McSophisticated your pumpkin spice latte wi-i-ith extra foam, and vanilla iced doughnut with multi-colored sprinkles even though you could just.. i don't know.. get it without the sprinkles cause all you do is pick them off one by one anyway. And for Zeevah one regular medium coffee with two milks 1 sugar"

he raised two fingers then one to make his point. Inwardly patting himself on the back cause he did know how he liked her coffee. Among other things.

"and a plain buttered bagel which is like what McGee doughnut should look like after hes done ruining it."

Tony raised his eyebrow at him causing McGee to blink out of his shocked stupor at the thought of tony doing something unusually nice for both him and Ziva.

Two things one thanks..two its been like what 3 1/2 years? let it go already!

"Ill never let it go!" Tony says dramatically

McGee rolls his eyes and goes back to his desk. Ziva stands there looking at the untouched coffee cup and bagel still sitting on Tony's desk.

"Why are you bringing us coffee and breakfast items?"

"Why am i bringing you coffee and breakfast items?"

"That is what I said"

"Cant a man do something nice for his two favorite co-workers?"

"A man perhaps but you?" she smirks

Tony opens his mouth then closes it then opens it again

"Whats wrong with you?"

she laughs "please Tony you can not really find it that shocking to think that i think you have some kind of ulterior motive for..."

"No Ziva whats wrong with you?"

She stops and looks at him, looking deep into his eyes they do communicate best through understanding looks then actual words. It was an unexplained or discussed secret language they had between the two of them. But looking into his eyes now she didn't see understanding she saw confusion. He seemed to have aged in mere seconds of there playful teasing. And he had a look of sheer concern.

She feels faint like shes gonna fall when a hand reaches out and grabs her.

"Dont do this" Where has she heard that before?

Her chest and lungs feel like they have been filled with frigid water. She cant breathe

McGee then stands beside Tony

"Ziva why did you do this?"

She cant take it anymore the immense pressure from her throat trying to hold back the water that has filled her. The tears spill from her eyes and slip down her face. She cant breathe yet the worlds do come out of her mouth in a stutter

"You...YOU" she raises her voice defensively "cant say that to me..."

cant?" wait when did she start using contractions? was this her first? she cant remember when she leaves this place

" not here!" she feels like shes slowly slipping. She doesn't want to leave just yet. She wills herself to stay.

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><p><em><strong>So whatda you think? Should I continue?<strong>_


	2. Chapter 2

_ **As promised my second chapter was up by the weekend. I know I said that some of the confusion from the first chapter will be cleared up in the second. But I'll get there I plan on many more chapters ahead. That is why it says 3 weeks earlier to give myself a bit of a cushion. I just had an inspiration to delve a little into Ziva's past, so I had to do a flashback. Trust me Ziva's past also plays a big part in this story. This is also a Tiva story but we haven't gotten to the bulk of that yet so bear with me please.**_

_**Please let me know what you think or any changes you would like me to make. Your comments are so important so please Review! :)**_

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><p><strong> Where Did It All Go Wrong?<strong>

** Chapter 2**

**Two weeks earlier**

"I have to do this alone. I have to let go of everything or else I will be pulled back to where I started"

"Hardest 180 of my life"

She couldn't stop thinking about the look in his eyes as he let her go. The look that desperately begged her to come with him. Why did she push him away? Why did she push her entire family away? But she already had her answer she wanted to protect them. Protect them from her.

She walks into her old living room. The living room where her mother would hold her when she was little and sing to her.

Before her father was blinded by death.

Before her brother became a monster.

Before her sister was killed.

She walks around aimlessly until her feet get tired. Then she sits on her couch.

The couch where she used to read stories to her 1yr old sister, while her mother cooked in their kitchen.

The couch where she used to sit and talk to Ari on about their day

The couch where she used to write in her diary.

The couch where Tony sat with her, giving back her necklace, explaining how he found her. How he tried desperately to convince her that what she said to him, yes may have been true in the past but that is not who she is anymore. Some part of her did in know that but it was hidden. Hidden by all her sins.

It started with her sister needing, craving the act of revenge. It was the only way to dull the pain. Then her brother, her brother who never thought this would be there fate or his. Her mind starts to wonder…

_"__Is this what you want to do?"_

_"__What I want does not matter"_

_She is standing in his doorway studying him as he gathers his things. He looks older than he did last night when they sat and ate dinner, just the 3 of_ _them. Her father was never there and her mother was gone. She is only 15yrs old. She should not be the one to do her mother's job, especially when_ _the last thing she wants to do is admit that she needs him. After all she has her pride._

_"__You do not care if you disappoint him." It wasn't a question it was a fact she knew how her brother felt about their father._

_"__You think I am doing this for him?"_

_"__I do not know why you are doing this"_

_"__I am doing this for me Ziva not for him"_

_She gives him a bitter laugh "Oh please, you hated it. All the studying, all the training, you cannot say that not this is what you want to do with the_ _rest of your life!"_

_Her emotion starts to leak through her façade. He knows her. He knows this is how she gets when she tries too hard to hold her tongue. It turns into_ _anger and bitterness and before she can realize it she is raising her voice._

_He says nothing as she calls herself down. He will let her be in control again, because control is the only thing she has that is keeping her from_ _breaking._

_"__What is it you will do with the rest of your life Ziva?"_

_She knows what he is trying to do and she won't give him an inch._

_"__I will serve in the military like it is expected of me"_

_"__Military "He smiles sadly "No more than 2yrs ago you were still doing ballet"_

_"__People change"_

_"__That they do" They both stare studying each other for a minute._

_There is a pause as a dividing chill breaks through the arid hot air of their 3 bedroom apartment in Tel Aviv. It's as if in that moment there is change in_ _their ever growing distant relationship. The way her brother speaks to her now, reminiscing on the way things used to be only a short while ago._ _Where did it all go wrong? Was it when her mother was killed? When her father had left? But she has no answer. She knows who she would like to_

_blame for these events, and for splitting up her once happy family. But a part of her blames herself as well. She swallows back her buildup of emotion_ _as he finishes packing up the rest of his things. The silence is deafening as he makes his way around her to leave the room._

_"__Ari" it comes out of her mouth in no more than a whisper. He stops and looks at her._

_"__You had dreams, you had rewarding dreams."_

_"__Being a doctor is not rewarding?"_

_"__No! Not for the reasons you want to be! "_

_"__Yes! I would wish to see my mother Ziva is that so wrong. I wish to be with someone who might care about their son!_

_"__I care about you! Tali cares about you. Even my friend Dina always asks how you are. Is that not enough!"_

_She can't hold back her flood of emotion as the damn breaks her imaginary walls and her eyes well up. She slumps to the floor not looking at him. He_ _drops his bag to the floor and sits down beside her. She still won't turn his way, embarrassed and ashamed of her outburst. So they just sit there for a_ _minute on the beige hallway carpet._

_Her brother is the first to break the silence._

_"__Will you write to me?"_

_"__Do you even want me to?"_

_"__Yes I would"_

_"__Then I will write to you"_

_There is another awkward pause as if communicating has become strange to them. This is the first real conversation they have had in months._

_"I wish you would not serve"_

_"I wish you would not leave"_

_"You were a good dancer you should not have quit"_

_"It was time to"_

_"You want so desperately for him to approve of you"_

_"I wish him to be proud if that is what you mean"_

_"What will you do after the army?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Well you would have done your time, what will you do when you get out?"_

_"I do not know"_

_"That is what I am afraid of"_

_"Other than butterflies?"_

_She finally looks at him, as she can't hold back the smile after mentioning his ridiculous phobia. He smiles back at her. But knowing inevitably what their father will_ _mold her into, how her innocent smile will one day change, it turns into a frown._

_ "It is too late for me"_

_She knows what he is getting at._

_"I need to start a new, to leave this place, to leave him. To be with the other part of my blood"_

_"But how do I know you will come back the same?"_

_ He doesn't promise her something he can't guarantee. He will not lie to her, but he will not hurt her either._

_"I may not. But I will still be your brother"_

_"Half-brother" she corrects_

_"Yes"_

_"I need you"_

_ She begins to try and plea. Because maybe if she can make him understand how she and Tali will be alone almost all the time maybe he will reconsider his plan. But_ _it is to no avail_

_"You will be fine. You have Tali. She needs you to look up too."_

_"Orli is still here sometimes. She will try and change me._

_"I would not be concerned in less than a year you will not be seeing her right?"_

_She will not admit it to her brother but she is scared. No she is terrified. The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach tells her things are going to drastically change,_ _and not for the better. For her change has never signified something good, just more pain and more loss. But this is happening her brother is leaving, and pretty_ _soon she will be leaving her home as well._

_She leans into his side burying her face in his chest, as he wraps his arms around her tiny frame, resting his head a top of hers._

_ Promise me you and Tali will not go down this path. It is not too late for you; don't let him drag you into his world_

_ She shuts her eyes tightly trying to recapture the escaping tears that spill onto his shirt_

A small wind blows some leaves through her open living room window, pulling her out of her trance.

Her eyes are dry,

She is not crying,

She is not 15yrs old

And her brother is dead.

That was the last real conversation she had with him. She had still talked to him on the phone. Sent letters, like she had promised, asking how he was doing? When he would visit? And met up with him a couple times before she had become his control officer. But after that day, after he had left that small apartment everything had changed. The sinking feeling that was in the pit of her stomach did turn out to be true. She smiles sadly. Her gut as Gibbs would say. Her gut that begged her to try to change these events before they happened, knowing what the outcome would be. But even she couldn't have known then that the outcome would have been this bad.

She thought about what Gibbs had said to her in the past.

"You gotta stop staring at this one Ziva. Put it behind you."

But he was her brother. Not a serial killer she had to go undercover to stop. And she had murdered him. She did not learn from her mistakes, she just made the same ones all over again. Gibbs had cleaned up her mess. He took the blame for her. She would not let the same thing happen again with Bodnar. Maybe it wasn't just his death that led Parsons to investigate NCIS and Gibbs, which in turn led her to first turn in her badge. But it was "the twig that broke the camel's back" Was that the right saying? She didn't know Tony was not here to correct her idioms. In fact nobody was here, she was once again alone.

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><p><em><strong>I took a little creative license in the bothers me we were supposed to originally get a lot of Zivas childhood in season 11 and we never got anything after episode 2. The AriZiva relationship really interested me because 1 It is what brought her to NCIS/one of the reasons why she left, and 2 it was never really explored fully. **_

_**Hope you guys liked the chapter! :) And again please REVIEW!**_

_**PS if you got my references to **_

_**.Bête Noire**_

_**.Kill Ari Pt2**_

_**.Recoil**_

_**.Past Present Future**_

_**Your just awesome :)**_


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